Running Through the Ages

"Running, one might say, is basically an absurd past-time upon which to be exhausting ourselves. But if you can find meaning, in the kind of running you have to do to stay on this team, chances are you will be able to find meaning in another absurd past-time: Life."

Correr. To run.

So simple, yet so complex.

Flashback to when I was 10 years old. I remember my first 5k was The Great Race in Pittsburgh, PA. I remember that feeling of passing people and coming in first in my age group. From then on, I was hooked. From a young age, my dad never pressured me to run, but rather I pushed myself because I had discovered that with hard work and dedication, I could be great at something. Little did I know, running could bring me so much more than feelings of accomplishment and satisfaction and little did I know how big of a part of my life it would become.

As I aged through the years, running became my passion. It is my outlet when times are tough or the stress of life is getting to me. It is my social scene, as some of my best, most loyal friends are runners. It is my motivation to be the best I could be. And it brings me happiness-I can truly say that the happiest moments of my life have involved running.

Wherever I have gone, running has always been my constant-something I can do anytime, anywhere.

Since that race at age 10, I have been dedicated and competitive to be the best runner I can be. Yes, there have been a few setbacks with an injury here or a mental lapse there, but for the most part, my running has stayed competitive and fun. Even last year, my first year out of college, I was worried that I would have trouble adjusting to post collegiate running. But in Charlotte, the running groups and support from the community was amazing. I stayed in shape and even ran faster in a 5k this last July 4th road race than I had ever done in the past. Moving to Boulder, I was pumped and ready to train. I mean, Colorado is the runner's dream, right? Trails everywhere, runners everywhere. What more could you ask for?

And then it was gone.

As I began to live life in Boulder, it was as though I had been slapped in the face. Yes, there was the beauty and the trails, but where were all the training partners? I think I visited 4-5 different running stores to find groups like the ones I had been familiar with in the past. But it was to no avail. I found a few great training partners in Denver, but really, it is at least a 45 min drive one way every time I want to go on a run with them. In Boulder, it is almost as though people are privately coached or run recreationally-there is no middle ground. As the weeks went on, I began to notice myself straying from running and the dedication that I once had. I would run a few times a week, avoiding workouts like the plague. I would make up excuses, which I had never done in the past. I didnt race, for I didnt want to embarrass myself. I even decided to take off a full two weeks before I came home for Christmas. I had lost it, lost the passion that I once had, all because I didnt have the support and the training partners that I was used to.

And then it returned. Today of all days. On Christmas Day, I decided to head out on a run with my dad, the one person that had gotten me started in running. In 15 mph winds, rain, and freezing temps, I ran through the country hills of Chambersburg. I wont lie, the conditions were miserable for running and I felt horribly out of shape. But for some reason, I loved it. While running, it dawned on me, I missed running terribly. Most people would think we were insane, but conditions like today are ones that we, as runners, live for. When finished, we feel a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. It broke my heart to think that over the past month or two I had lost the passion for something that made me, to a large extent, who I am today.

Maybe the break is what I needed. For sometimes, you dont realize what you have or what joy something brings to you until it's gone. But today brought about a change in me. Running is back in my life and 2010 is going to be a year of PRs, no matter what I have to do. I will drive to Denver to run with training partners when I can, will make sacrifices, and will start racing again. Most importantly, I will not give up on this journey. For I need running and running needs me.
And I have miles to go before I sleep, miles to go before I sleep...


"Running is finally seeing everything in perspective. Running is discovering the wholeness, the unity that everyone seeks."

What are we living for?

December 13th, 2002. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember awaking, falling to my knees, and sobbing because I had gotten word that my high school cross country coach and role model had been killed with his wife in a car crash. It had all seemed like a bad dream that someone that genuinely cared about each interaction he had with every person he knew, had just disappeared in an instant. One of the most positive people Ive ever known, I decided from then on, to use Coach Cook's life to influence my actions in the future.

December 20th, 2005. The bad dream reoccurred. My teammate and friend, Ryan Jobes, had also been killed in a car accident. A friend to all, always complete with a smile on his face, losing Ryan was another blow to my life.

I found myself questioning "Why?" quite often, but realized that if I couldn't have those people with me, I had to use their lives in my own. For as they had impacted my own life, I needed to do the same for others.

So as I awoke today, December, 13th, 2009, I did as I do any other December 13th: I remembered. I thought back on how far I have come since that fateful day in 2002. High school state cross country team runners up, University of Richmond XC and Track on scholarship, a Biology degree, an Assistant Track and XC Coach at UNC Charlotte, and now I find myself in Colorado. But is that good enough? Is that what I want?

And so I ask myself, "What am I living for?". The message at the Merge church service tonight really struck a chord with my heart. For months now, I have been telling myself that I need to get involved in the community around here through service acts and for months now, I have not done a thing about it. And as I heard tonight from speaker Scott Nickell: Time and Money validate what you really care about. Now that can sound harsh, but I believe that is the truth.

This Christmas, I decided, for the first time, that I was going to send out Christmas cards and gifts to all of those people that I care about. Now, I am out here in Colorado barely making minimum wage, but am about to hand out 20+ Christmas gifts to those I care about. Why would you do that, some people have asked me, you need to take care of yourself first. And to those that question, I say, I am taking care of myself. I have all I need: food, shelter, friends, and family. I have always loved to give rather than receive, and I by making others happy and feel appreciated at this Christmas season is my goal. For that, I will smile and enjoy this holiday season.

So looking ahead to this new year and all of the questions that have been running through my head, I am content to say that I am slowly answering "What am I living for?". For that, I can see Coach Cook and Ryan smiling down on me.

"Go out into the world and do great. But more importantly, go out into the world and do good."

Happiness

I am horribly indecisive.

It is a characteristic I have had ever since I can remember. Which college to go to was decided literally with a list of pros and cons.

Recently, I have teetered back and forth with questions: To move from Colorado to Charlotte? From Boulder to Denver? To stay at my job or to leave? To go to CU for grad school or to another nearby school? etc. etc. etc.

Sometimes I get frustrated with myself because I will make a decision to do something and then a few weeks later decide against it. In the end, I feel like much of my indecisiveness rests on my happiness. I am the type of person that relies on my social and mental well being to determine what I want to do or where I want to do. Ultimately, while frustrating, I think this is my way of figuring out who I am and what I want to be. For I have seen too many people make rash decisions that lead them down a path that they really didnt want to be.

Since moving to Colorado I have done a lot of self discovery. I decided that Colorado really is the place I want to be. But I have recently asked myself questions such as: Do I really want to be in Boulder? Who is most important to me in my life? Is money really all that important? What do I want to accomplish in my life?


Boulder is a unique place. That is really all I need to say about it-you must experience it to understand. Sometimes I feel like I fit in here and others I dont. About a month ago I was dead set on moving to Denver in January. Denver is a great city, very diverse and full of culture. I was excited and ready to make the move.

And then something happened. One of my co-workers, Bonnie, introduced me to her friends from the CU music department, Dizney and John. They were nice guys and I didnt really think anything of it until they made an effort to try and get me to hang out with them. I am not really used to an effort being made by others and often feel as though I am making too much of it myself. Needless to say, it was a pleasant surprise.

So just last week I asked now asked myself: Do I really want to leave Boulder? The answer was simply: No. I do have friends in Denver and friends in Boulder, but for now I have decided to give myself some more time in this town to discover it more. The option will always be there to move to Denver, but will my co-worker Bonnie or any other friends I have made? So as of January 1st, 2010, I will be leaving my current townhome in East Boulder to move to downtown Boulder and will be keeping my job as manager of good old Powell's Sweet Shoppe!

I have had my ups and downs in Colorado that's for sure. But over the past month, life has been changing. There are more positive, happy days, rather than homesick, lonely ones. I am in love with the Rocky Mountains. That's a given-who wouldnt be? I have a wonderful group of runners in Denver that I wish I could see and run with more often, but know that will come with time. I have a great church group, Merge, that is filled with young adults, that have lifted me up, as well as challenged me. I have a wonderful Michigan, skiing and running comrade, Jaime, who is by far my best friend here. I have a great boss, co-workers, and flexible job that may not be the most fulfilling one, but is a positive place with good times had by all.

It has been one heck of a journey, but when you reach that happy place, it is one of the best feelings in the world. I want to thank all of those that have helped me thus far along the way; presently in Colorado or not. Finally, I feel like Im almost home.

There is a song from The Fray that I listen to quite often that pretty much sums up my discovery of happiness here in Colorado:

"Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you'll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she'll be home
Home, home, home..."